"I'll be back."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger in the cult 1980's classic cinema "The Terminator."
Arnold was true to his prophetic words he uttered while in pursuit of Linda Hamilton in the first Terminator. And he proved it by making Terminator 2 and now Terminator 3. (BTW T3 is not T1 or even T2 but it's still pretty good) And now Arnold is considering running for the Governor of California.
Arnold's life is clearly a metaphor for my own. I said I would be back and here I, updating "QUOTES OF THE DAY" once again. And like Arnold I am also considering a run for the governor of California. Well my friend Kelly Shea is considering it (upon my urging). So here we are newly updated with quotes. More to follow from my trip to Israel that commences in a few days as well as a link to my soon to come live journal. Enjoy yo.
Adam
"If I lose to another adopted asian I'm getting out of the speechwriting business."
-Adam in Indianapolis, Indiana before WINNING THE ORATORICAL CONTEST. Last year I lost to a girl who spoke about being an adopted korean abandoned at birth and adopted by white people. THAT'S MY LIFE STORY DAMMIT.
Shannon: "ADAM STOP STARING AT THE HOOTERS WAITRESS!"
Adam: "Listen to me. No one goes to Hooter to be subtle. They (the waitresses) like it."
Jordon: "Yeah and they also prefer firm slaps to the ass as a thank you."
-Shannon Lawson, Jordon Landry, and I discussing the nearly Machiavellian interactions between patrons at Hooters in downtown Indianapolis.
"Texas. The only state arrogant enough to make its flag larger then the American flag."
-Will Hitchcock noticing some of the subtle clues of Texan arrogance.
"Oh that's not a pool, that's a mud puddle."
-Jodi's friend Lianna to Will while tanked.
"Back in the 202..."
-Will Hitchcock's saying for being back in D.C. adopted by Megan Lind.
"I thought we went over this . . . join the church choir and then score with the choir chicks, if it worked in amrican pie it can work now."
-Ed on how to pick up women. For the record in American Pie he joined the School Choir and not the Church choir. The final installment in the American Pie series, American Wedding, comes out on August 1st! Bet you didn't even know they were making a sequel DID YOU?!??! The pie-molester marries the band geek while Stiffler surely does something nasty. I'm stoked.
"Kelly Shea for California governor! cause lets face it you've elected old white guys to the office for HOW many years?!"
-Adam Conner's idea for getting friend Kelly elected governor of California in the upcoming recall election. All you need is $3,500 dollars and 65 signatures of people who live in California. What a great idea huh?!? It would sure look good our resumes.
Adam: "If you ran for governor we could even make a reality TV show about it."
Kelly: "Um...no."
Adam: "I can see where that could be bad. Like the conversations between you, me, and Chris. 'So when we tax coke as it comes over the border do we tax it by the kilo or by the pound? And lets talk kickbacks too. Hey wait a minute, does the red light on the camera mean it's ON?!??!?!?!?!?'"
-Kelly and I discussing the scandal's that she would encounter during her term as CA Governor.
Adam: "Chris could be in charge of border security."!
Kelly: "Yeah Chris in charge of drug smuggling. That would solve all our budget problems!"
-Kelly and I discussing who to appoint in some key positions during her period of governor. Let me say this, Chris has never been more honored.
Ed: HEY!
Ed:You sir are RASCIST
Ed: here is how I derived this
Ed: Whites make up about 44 % of the population
Ed: males are about 21% of the general pop
Ed: and older ones are only a bout a third of that
Ed: so therefore, they only represent 7% of the United States
Ed: this is clearly a minority
Ed: you hate minorities,
Ed: ergo- you are racist
Ed: people like you make me SICK!
-Ed commenting on my above comment and accusing me of being a racist. It really hurts coming from a WASP from Manhattan's Upper East side. Strike no more blows upon me Ed.
Tommie: I am gay
Tommie: no really I am
Tommie: i just wanted to tell you that
Tommie: but hey let me tell you why I am gay
Tommie: because..... my name is tommie begay
Tommie: that name is synonymous with "homosexual
Tommie: second... i am native american and native americans are known to have homosexuals
Tommie: like caucasian, native americans, and hispanics... but that is just a technicallity
Tommie: and finally i am gay because.... well i am tommie begay
Tommie: the very essence of tommie begay bleeds flamboyancy and interior decoration along with a limp wrist and last but not least..... I am the essence of Richard Simmons.
-Tommie Begay coming out of the closet in quite a fortright way with me. Tommie I'm flattered but...not interested. Not my team to bat for, sorry. But I do wish you the best.
Actually this is what Tommie wrote. But I like my version better.
Tommie: you are gay
Tommie: no really you are
Tommie: i just wanted to tell you that
Tommie: but hey let me tell you why you are gay
Tommie: because..... your name is adam conner
Tommie: that name is synonymous with "homosexual
Tommie: second... you are asian and asians are known to have homosexuals
Tommie: like caucasian, native americans, and hispanics... but that is just a technicallity
Tommie: and finally you are gay because.... well you are adam conner
Tommie: the very essence of adam conner bleeds flamboyancy and interior decoration along with a limp wrist and last but not least..... you give off the essence of Richard Simmons
Kyle: Dude
Kyle: I went clubbing last night in Seattle
Kyle: ...and Sir-Mix-Alot (a Seattle native) was there, and he hosted an ass shaking contest for the ladies
-Kyle F. on his clubbing experience in Seattle that simply defies words. For the records I know all of the words to "Baby Got Back."
Adam: "scientists have released a report that says that masturabation is actually good for your health and helps to lessen the risk of prostate cancer in men later in life. Leave comments."
Chris: "no, mom, i'm not masturbating! i'm simply ensuring that i have a healthy latter portion of my life. you know, it's just like when you take your crazy vitamins and calcium supplements. my method is just a lot more fun....."
-Chris Watson showing that trademark badass Watson humor. Good one C-W Dawg!
"your humor is fabulous"
-one of my FDD fellows commenting on my obvious humorous prowess. and how right she was.
"Sorry but I can't really help you with your fantasy of an entire country of beautiful girls who find asian people unbearably hot."
-Hana Binder shooting down my hope that Israel would be some sort of paradise where all the women would have uncontrolable asian fetishes. i'm talking like i step off the plane and get jumped. BUT NO. Gee thanks for shattering my dreams Hana. :(
Leah: "Why would she be attracted to you?"
Adam: "My obvious physical prowess."
Leah: "YOUR OBVIOUS PHYSICAL PROWESS?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??! HA HA HA HA HA HA"
Adam: "You can stop laughing now."
Leah: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH HA HA HA"
Adam: "Seriously stop laughing."
-Leah Fulton mocking Adam on his obvious physical prowess. I mean MY OBVIOUSY PHYSICAL PROWESS. Stop laughing.
"Banker: Chris today we're going to teach you how to open swiss bank accounts."
"Chris: This is the happiest moment of my life."
-Adam telling Chris Miller what I envisioned his future best moment to be. *Note earlier chris/kelly/adam accounts of arms smuggling.
-Below is Brian McMath's account of his encounter with strippers and paintball guns.
Before I outline what happened to me on the morning of Friday, July 25th, I must warn you all. What follows is a tale of such incredible stupidity and shortsightedness that some of you may wish to reevaluate your association with me. For those of you I'm related to, sorry, you don't have a choice. With that said, here goes.
One of the local news channels ran a story last week about a brothel in Las Vegas, Nevada that allows patrons to hunt the prostitute of their choice with a paintball gun before engaging in intercourse. The prostitutes get $2500 if they are not hit, and $1000 if they are hit (incentive to run faster). Well, the head of programming for Clear Channel Albuquerque thought it was such an asinine idea that he wanted 94 Rock to do something to make fun of the idea. We would do the reverse: they would find some sucker volunteer (spelt B-R-I-A-N) to be hunted by strippers with paintball guns. I was allowed only a jockstrap, a pair of boxers that had been shredded to resemble a hula skirt, a pair of shoes, and a facemask. The three strippers (who were not even REMOTELY attractive, in case anyone was wondering) were each armed with an industrial strength paintball gun, 200 paintballs, shirts, shorts, and facemasks. My goal would be to capture a flag that had been hidden somewhere on the absurdely small paintball course (an open dirt field with culverts to hide behind) and the stripper that hit me the most would be given $100. We had requested that the guns be powered down, only to learn later that "powered down" is a VERY relative term. No time limit was established, and no proximity rule was given to the hunters. Anyway, the "go" signal was given, I took off running across the course with strippers in hot pursuit. Not even 30 seconds later, I was curled in a ball on the ground, screaming for them to stop and bleeding from nearly 50 open welts from the back of my right ear to my shins. Prior to me walking out onto the field, the crowd that had gathered to watch had been yelling obnoxiously about how they wanted the girls to kick my ass. As I was helped off the field by my dad and my boss, no one said a word. The young punks that ran the paintball field, who had been previously calling me a wuss for wanting the guns turned down, didn't say a word. My dad, who had said a few days before that he wouldn't miss it for the world, looked ready to kill someone. Photos should be up soon on the www.94rock.com photos page, and my friend Jason got a video of the whole thing.
Physically I'm fine now...a bit sore but fine. From now on the Morning show will have to get someone else to participate in their little games, because I won't be saying yes for quite some time. If you feel your IQ has dropped several points just by reading this, I don't blame you. I learned my lesson, as did my employers, so no one here will ever have to go through something like that again. Anyways, that's my work update. Please do not hesistate to tell me how stupid I was to agree to this...maybe that will help me remember to say no next time. Hope everyone is doing well, and I want to hear from you all soon.
