Quotes of the Day
"Unfortunately no one can be told how bad Matrix 3 is...you have to see it to believe it."
*In a deep Lawerence Fishburn Voice.
That, in essence, describes how bad, no how TERRIBLE, the third installment of the Matrix was. Words seem so inadequate to describe how betrayed I feel right now. But perhaps “quotes of the day” will help me explain. Here are the best of tonight’s “ANTI-MATRIX” quotes. We won't spoil the movie for you, except to say that it sucks. We only do that so you don't get you hopes up, like we did, and so you won't have you spirits crushed, like we did. It doesn’t really matter because you’ll go see it, because you can’t help yourself. But then you’ll know what I mean. And this shit will be a lot funnier.
-Adam “I want my ten dollars back” Conner
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
-Evan Haas, Adam Conner, Chris Miller, Alex P., Ali Shariat, Tim Kaldass, Derrik Newberry, Joshua Vogel...etc. all
Our reaction upon the credits rolling at the end of "The Matrix Revolutions."
"NO SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE FUCK?"
-The same kids. All of us. Reiterating our anger.
"Maybe it's not really over...wait...it is? WHAT THE FUCK?!??!"
-Adam Conner trying to comprehend what just happened.
"WHAT THE FUCK?!??!"
-Everyone who saw Matrix 3. or everyone who will.
"HA HA! WE HAVE ALL YOUR MONEY! SUCKERS!"
-The Wakowski brothers.
"TAKE HER EYES!"
-Will Hitchcock, at a certain scene...well if you want to know what scene scroll to the bottom so I don't spoil it.*
"Seriously I just want them to make a Matrix 4. It can just be 15 minutes of the Wakowski brothers apologizing. Like we were on drugs and shit."
-Evan Haas on why we need a Matrix 4.
"No, wait drugs would've made this movie better."
-Chris Miller on something obviously true.
"They just need to be honest. Look they drove a dumptruck full of money up to our house. You CAN'T SAY NO! You would've done the same."
-Adam Conner on the Wakowski brother's motivation.
"I've lost my faith in cinema. Only The Lord of the Rings can save me now."
-Adam Conner putting all of his faith on the savior movie, THE RETURN OF THE KING, DECEMBER 17th! Fucking sweet.
Aaron: cinema is not quite dead- although I think the Tupoc movie kinda put a round in the chamber for movie russian roulette
Adam: or "exit wounds" with ja rule and steven seagal. i never thought you could make steven segal look like marlin brando put him next to ja rule...
-Aaron Childers of VMI making his first apperance on "Quotes of the Day." Congrats Aaron.
Background: Adam and Evan are angry about the third Matrix. This will be a recurring theme in there conversations.
Evan: It's because the tears inside have transformed themselves in to bitter frozen shards in my cold cold heart.
Adam: it will be so long before you trust a woman, i mean a, movie again.
-Evan Haas and Adam Conner on a betrayl so deep that we thought only women were capable of it.
Travis: "So you're saying I should see a manitee?"
Travis: "Or matinee or however you spell it"
Adam: "Actually a manitee would probably be more entertaining"
-Travis Zander with a classic case of bad spelling, but honestly manitees are better actors then Keanu Reeves.
Adam: honestly a manitee wouldve been more interesting
Leah: hahahahahhaaaaa
Leah: the sea cow
Leah: ahahahahhahaaaa
Leah: that must have been bad
-Leah Fulton trying to comprehend how bad it was.
"yeah, or wait to make it a blockbuster night."
-Chris "Rez" Miller on the best advice for the Matrix 3 to give people.
"well kyle the "special" kid in out fraternity says its cool"
-Travis Zander with the only positive endorsement for the Matrix 3.
Adam: you know what?
Adam: i want to take the pill that lets me forget
Evan: the blue pill. i need one right now.
Adam: absofuckinglutely, i want to wake up and not remember this at all
-Adam and Evan with a classic Matrix analogy.
Adam: we should’ve been warned
Chris: yup
Adam: we should consider it our civic duty to warn people
Chris: lol
Adam: with signs and shit
-Adam and Chris on a way to spend our weekend. DAMMIT we just want our money back.
Adam: seriously
Adam: i cant tell if they tried to hard or if they stopped trying
Adam: and thats a bad sign
Matt: tried hard
-Adam Conner and Matt E. on just WTF.
"dude when you work to raise peoples expectations you are responsible when you don’t meet them."
-Me on the fucking wakowski brothers
"come on...at the end...arms all out to side...like jesus...all the light."
-Matt E. on the diety like presence of Keanu Reeves.
"When I think of Jesus I DO NOT picture Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves makes a terrible Jesus figure."
-Me again. You know what scares me? That Keanu Reeves PEAKED with Bill and Ted. He is NO JC.
"WWJD? NOT SEE THE MATRIX. And strike down Keanu for that whole false God thing."
-me again.
Evan: just.... wow....
Evan: the writing was SO bad
Adam: did they NOT run it by a test audiecne?
Evan: clearly not.
-Evan and Adam discussing the quote "dialouge" unquote. Yeah. My ass. Monkeys on typewriters would've done a better job. It's just like episode 2 of star wars with my same theory. SCI-FI WRITERS CAN'T DO LOVE.
Adam: remember "what is the matrix?" how about "how bad is the matrix?"
Evan: i almost need to go watch the first one to be able to wake up tomorrow
Adam: FUCK
Adam: and were going to dream about it too
Adam: FUCK
Evan: yeah i know
Adam: itll torture us in our sleep
Evan: i'll dream about it and wake up crying
Adam: just like the real thing
-The nightmares that will plauge us in the dream world. or the matrix world. or whatever the fuck world it is where i can't escape keanu's bad acting.
Adam: i feel like i was taken advantage of
Adam: like the wakowski brothers slipped me a rufeze
Adam: like they slipped me a blue pill
Adam: and snuck out in the morning
Alex: that's awful man
Adam: and i just woke up so confused in the morning
-Adam with a terrible, but oddly fitting, analogy. yeah im a bad person.
Leah: did you have high expectations?
Adam: you have no idea
Adam: SO MANY HIGH EXPECTATIONS
Leah: did they at least resolve things??
Adam: keanu reeves makes a terrible jesus like figure
Leah: haahhahaa
Leah: thats awful
-Leah Fulton and Adam Conner. JUST DONT GET YOUR HOPES UP.
Adam: there are few words to describe my feelings right now
Evan: i'm crying inside.
Adam: im so angry
Evan: i'm so sad.
Evan: i was so hopeful.
Evan: so hopeful.
Adam: this is what its like to have your heart destroyed
Evan: yes.
-Evan and Adam again. NEVER put you faith in a movie that stars Keanu Reeves. We know better now.
Evan: i'm reading reviews to make sure i'm not imagining what i saw
-No Evan, you weren't imagining it. It was real.
Aaron: I suggest seeing it again drunk- that almost worked for me with Gods and Generals
-AARON WITH THE BEST ADVICE ON HOW TO SEE THE MATRIX 3. *trust me you don't need a highly focused mind to understand it.
And an unrelated to Matrix, but Texas based quote. *evan is from texas. i being from NM and required to say FUCK TEXAS. but no hard feelings or nothing.
Adam: so how about "alamo" eh?
Evan: looks like an action movie
Evan: oh i'll see it.
Adam: its kind of like titanic in a sense, you know, because you know how it ends
Evan: please don't compare my states history to titanic.
Adam: at least they made the mexicans speak spanish
Adam: or english with an accent
Evan: english with an accent is more accurate in modern days, that's for sure
Adam: and then they were hired to clean up the remains of the alamo for less then minimum wage
Evan: exactly
-Evan and Adam with jokes only Texans/Westerners will understand. Hook 'em horns and shiznit.
BUT DON'T JUST TRUST OUR FIVE PAGES OF BITCHING! EXPERTS SAY THE SAME TOO!
"The Matrix Revolutions sucks."
-- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE
"I'm warning you: don't see this film--because whatever third movie you envisioned in your head, no matter how lame, has got to be better than this."
- Widgett Walls, NEEDCOFFEE.COM
"Watching the movie is sort of like finishing off a filet mignon dinner with Pop Rocks."
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR
"With The Matrix Revolutions, the Wachowski brothers have managed to pull off something nearly impossible. They've made a movie about the end of the world that leaves us entirely indifferent to the outcome."
-- Chris Vognar, DALLAS MORNING NEWS
all thanks to www.rottentomatoes.com
*WARNING: SPOILER BELOW
the scene where Trinity lays dying and a eyeball-less Neo holds her. Also home of the greatest dialouge ever.
Neo:"You can't die."
Trinity: "Yes I can."
Matt: that steve guy better be chillin with Cheney in that "undisclosed location" right now.....unless of course cheney is a cubs fan
-Matt E. on the fate of the Cubs fan who interfered with last nights game...leading to the Cubs missing their shot at the world series, a place they haven't been since 1908. That sucks.
We’re back. Long hailed for our superior editorial wit and marginally funny quotes (or was it vice-versa) we here at “Quotes of the Day” have been out of the public eye for far too long. And so today we reemerge into the cutthroat world of posting quotes culled from our crack staffs daily lives online. There aren’t a whole lot of websites that do this and maintain the same high standards and practices that we do, but hey we’re just that good. So please sit back, crack up, and enjoy the newly returned “QUOTES OF THE DAY.”
-Adam Conner
“Quotes of the Day” Editor-In-Chief and Founder
Adam: you miss the thrill of the chase my friend
Adam: the call of the wild
Matt: haha yes yes i do
Adam: You’re like a lion who has a ton of meat in his freezer back in the cave (or wherever the fuck lions live, you’re the Africa expert) and yet you still go out and hunt the gazelle
-Matt E. and Adam Conner discussing the primitive thrill of the hunt that dwells deep within all of us.
Auto response from Erica: you'd think writing about Machiavelli is terrible... then you get referenced as meat in a freezer!
-An angry away message from Erica…I don’t quite know why though.
Matt: well my friend...you see Africa is filled with many gazelles....frolicking across the open planes unexpecting of the lion just waiting to pounce on them and eat them
-Matt E. explaining the survival dynamics of the Circle of Life in the African Serengeti
Adam (1:29:41 AM): I have another costume suggestion
Adam (1:29:43 AM): a gazelle
Erica (1:29:51 AM): and fuck you for the gazelle
Adam (1:29:59 AM): you know you weren’t actually the gazelle
Adam (1:30:04 AM): what if you’d been more exotic meats?
Adam (1:30:07 AM): like
Adam (1:30:11 AM): like
Adam (1:30:28 AM): a Zebra
Erica (1:30:49 AM): I’m in the freezer
Erica (1:30:57 AM): and he's out looking for gazelles
Erica (1:31:04 AM): how come I don’t get to go out looking for some lions?
Adam (1:31:15 AM): are you saying you want to be eaten?
Adam (1:31:29 AM): or what if
Adam (1:31:35 AM): we bring the analogy of the hunter into this
Erica (1:31:57 AM): I don’t want to be eaten
Erica (1:32:05 AM): I’m saying if he's gonna go find gazelles
Erica (1:32:09 AM): I’m gonna go find me some apes
Erica (1:32:16 AM): I’m no meat in the freezer
Adam (1:32:40 AM): apes?
Adam (1:32:46 AM): apes eat bananas
Erica (1:33:00 AM): the apes aren't going to EAT me
Erica (1:33:07 AM): he's hunting gazelles
Erica (1:33:10 AM): I get to hunt too!
Adam (1:33:51 AM): ...I think we need to rework this analogy
-Erica Finkle and Adam Conner discussing hammering out analogy specifics
Lucrece: So I told my mom that my friend was a man now
Lucrece: And her response was "what? does he yell out "a la verga" during sex?"
-Lucrece Borrego describing a mutual friend of ours from High School and his ascent into manhood…hilarious of course.
Lucrece: Speaking of sex
Adam: Yes?
Lucrece: I met this kid who was telling me that he gets too much ass and that he is sick of girls throwing themselves at him and it just isn't fun anymore
Lucrece: It was ridiculous!
Adam: Kill him
Adam: You have my permission
Lucrece: I'll let him know
Adam: Seriously WTF
Lucrece: He was like "ya, this weekend these two girls wanted me to hook up with them at the same time, but it was just the same old shit, boring"
Lucrece: The thing is, he's cute, but he's not craaazy hot
Lucrece: And thus my conclusion that girls are way too easy and our ruining it for everyone- you saturate the market and the price goes down
-Lucrece Borrego describing one of those men who ruin it for the rest of us. Bastards got a lock on the market and doesn’t appreciate what he apparently has.
Erica: "You know what I think of Clinton. He's like that cool substitute teacher that took the place of our real one for a few months back in elementary school. He gave us laughs, no homework, and brought us enough candy to shut us up for a lengthy period of time. And then mean old Bush came back. Damn mean old Bush..."
-Erica Finkle quoting someone on the lost sentiment we all have towards the good old Clinton years. Stock markets kicked major ass when they only went up.
Lucrece: You are a fuckin badass
Lucrece: I am proud to be your friend
-Lucrece Borrego with another random, but cool, comment about me.
Ed: rum is good stuff
Ed: my mother collects it
Ed: well not really collects, but drinks a lot of it from different places
-Ed Stautberg on his mothers collecting habits.
Lindsay: Dress sharp, be funny and perverted
Adam: I am all of the above to be honest
Lindsay: I know
-Lindsay Benjamin on how I should try and pick up chicks.
Travis: yeah I know your jellious
Adam: especially of your spelling
Travis: hey, thats why the invinted spell checer
-Travis Zander’s instant messenger conversation with Adam Conner. The spelling has not been changed at all.
Ryan: My friend on not being able to end relationships:
“I’m shitty at that, ill have like 5 girls come to our parties all thinking they are the ones, I solve the problem by drinking till I can’t see.”
-Ryan McGlone on his friends advice on how to deal with girls.
im sooooooooo dRUNK.....................where are you..in vIRGINMA.....im such a dork im imming u across the wroom.......but ur not really there so its all good......
-Ryan McGlone’s drunk instant message to my away message when I was at a conference in Bumfuck, Virginia.
Auto Response from Adam: In Bumfuck, Virginia.
Kyle: Are you gonna fuck some bums in Bumfuck, VA?
Kyle: Cuz that would make sense...
-Kyle Commenting on my possible activities in Virginia due to my away message description
Ryan: There's more pressure there then in both of my back tires!
-Ryan McGlone pointing to a busty lass on TV and declaring.
Kyle: Dude
Kyle: I went clubbing last night in Seattle
Kyle: ...and Sir-Mix-Alot (a Seattle native) was there, and he hosted an ass shaking contest for the ladies
-Kyle F. describing what had to be a truly seminal moment in his life
Tommie: Hey this needs to be a shirt
Tommie: "Friends don't let friends go to Texas"
Tommie: And "Texas..... the Manifest Destiny gone wrong"
Tommie: If I can spread the word... then that's one person closer to a perfect texas free world
-Tommie Begay with some truly FANTASTIC tshirt ideas. BTW fuck Texas.
Adam: Dude we need to do semester at sea!
Chris: That’d be awesome!
Chris: I wonder how much beer we can bring on board?
Adam: Could we make our beds on top of cases of beer?
-Chris Miller and Adam Conner discussing future study abroad plans on a boat with alcohol while tanked on a way to the club.
Adam: I miss the ghetto.
Matt: hahahaha you've never lived in the ghetto
Adam: i beg to differ
Adam: NM ranks first in all the bad stuff and last in all the good stuff
Matt: hahaha suks for you
-Matt E. and Adam Conner discussing Adam’s ghetto heritage.
Adam: Can you believe China is sending a man into space?
Ryan: With what? A stepladder?
-Ryan McGlone and Adam Conner speculating on the future of the Chinese manned space exploration program.
Yeah one made out of rope and bamboo.
-Matt E. commenting on the earlier Chinese stepladder to space comment and expressing similar distrust of the Chinese space program.
"Well see some little kids aren’t potty trained so clearly we cant let them go swimming in the gene pool."
-Some fucking tool in my incredibly useless "History of Nature Nurture debate class" commenting on natural selection. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
RESPECT THE BONCH!
-Kyle F.'s BONCHtacular away message.
Adam: Have you respected the BONCH today?
Kyle: Dude I am in a constant state of BONCH respecting.
-Kyle F. and Adam Conner on his perpetual state of BONCH respecting.
Kid 1: I saw some dude with a Lazio sticker one time in high school during a debate tournament. Man what a fucking choda.
Kid 2: I love the reference to a US Senatorial Candidate and penis that is wider then it is longer in the same sentance.
Adam: Only at GW.
-2 kids in my Strategic Political Communication Class discussing the FAILED attempt by Rick Lazio to get elected. Tool. Funny penis reference too.
Bonch to the double bonch, bro
-Kyle F. with another masterful BONCH comment
"I'll be back."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger in the cult 1980's classic cinema "The Terminator."
Arnold was true to his prophetic words he uttered while in pursuit of Linda Hamilton in the first Terminator. And he proved it by making Terminator 2 and now Terminator 3. (BTW T3 is not T1 or even T2 but it's still pretty good) And now Arnold is considering running for the Governor of California.
Arnold's life is clearly a metaphor for my own. I said I would be back and here I, updating "QUOTES OF THE DAY" once again. And like Arnold I am also considering a run for the governor of California. Well my friend Kelly Shea is considering it (upon my urging). So here we are newly updated with quotes. More to follow from my trip to Israel that commences in a few days as well as a link to my soon to come live journal. Enjoy yo.
Adam
"If I lose to another adopted asian I'm getting out of the speechwriting business."
-Adam in Indianapolis, Indiana before WINNING THE ORATORICAL CONTEST. Last year I lost to a girl who spoke about being an adopted korean abandoned at birth and adopted by white people. THAT'S MY LIFE STORY DAMMIT.
Shannon: "ADAM STOP STARING AT THE HOOTERS WAITRESS!"
Adam: "Listen to me. No one goes to Hooter to be subtle. They (the waitresses) like it."
Jordon: "Yeah and they also prefer firm slaps to the ass as a thank you."
-Shannon Lawson, Jordon Landry, and I discussing the nearly Machiavellian interactions between patrons at Hooters in downtown Indianapolis.
"Texas. The only state arrogant enough to make its flag larger then the American flag."
-Will Hitchcock noticing some of the subtle clues of Texan arrogance.
"Oh that's not a pool, that's a mud puddle."
-Jodi's friend Lianna to Will while tanked.
"Back in the 202..."
-Will Hitchcock's saying for being back in D.C. adopted by Megan Lind.
"I thought we went over this . . . join the church choir and then score with the choir chicks, if it worked in amrican pie it can work now."
-Ed on how to pick up women. For the record in American Pie he joined the School Choir and not the Church choir. The final installment in the American Pie series, American Wedding, comes out on August 1st! Bet you didn't even know they were making a sequel DID YOU?!??! The pie-molester marries the band geek while Stiffler surely does something nasty. I'm stoked.
"Kelly Shea for California governor! cause lets face it you've elected old white guys to the office for HOW many years?!"
-Adam Conner's idea for getting friend Kelly elected governor of California in the upcoming recall election. All you need is $3,500 dollars and 65 signatures of people who live in California. What a great idea huh?!? It would sure look good our resumes.
Adam: "If you ran for governor we could even make a reality TV show about it."
Kelly: "Um...no."
Adam: "I can see where that could be bad. Like the conversations between you, me, and Chris. 'So when we tax coke as it comes over the border do we tax it by the kilo or by the pound? And lets talk kickbacks too. Hey wait a minute, does the red light on the camera mean it's ON?!??!?!?!?!?'"
-Kelly and I discussing the scandal's that she would encounter during her term as CA Governor.
Adam: "Chris could be in charge of border security."!
Kelly: "Yeah Chris in charge of drug smuggling. That would solve all our budget problems!"
-Kelly and I discussing who to appoint in some key positions during her period of governor. Let me say this, Chris has never been more honored.
Ed: HEY!
Ed:You sir are RASCIST
Ed: here is how I derived this
Ed: Whites make up about 44 % of the population
Ed: males are about 21% of the general pop
Ed: and older ones are only a bout a third of that
Ed: so therefore, they only represent 7% of the United States
Ed: this is clearly a minority
Ed: you hate minorities,
Ed: ergo- you are racist
Ed: people like you make me SICK!
-Ed commenting on my above comment and accusing me of being a racist. It really hurts coming from a WASP from Manhattan's Upper East side. Strike no more blows upon me Ed.
Tommie: I am gay
Tommie: no really I am
Tommie: i just wanted to tell you that
Tommie: but hey let me tell you why I am gay
Tommie: because..... my name is tommie begay
Tommie: that name is synonymous with "homosexual
Tommie: second... i am native american and native americans are known to have homosexuals
Tommie: like caucasian, native americans, and hispanics... but that is just a technicallity
Tommie: and finally i am gay because.... well i am tommie begay
Tommie: the very essence of tommie begay bleeds flamboyancy and interior decoration along with a limp wrist and last but not least..... I am the essence of Richard Simmons.
-Tommie Begay coming out of the closet in quite a fortright way with me. Tommie I'm flattered but...not interested. Not my team to bat for, sorry. But I do wish you the best.
Actually this is what Tommie wrote. But I like my version better.
Tommie: you are gay
Tommie: no really you are
Tommie: i just wanted to tell you that
Tommie: but hey let me tell you why you are gay
Tommie: because..... your name is adam conner
Tommie: that name is synonymous with "homosexual
Tommie: second... you are asian and asians are known to have homosexuals
Tommie: like caucasian, native americans, and hispanics... but that is just a technicallity
Tommie: and finally you are gay because.... well you are adam conner
Tommie: the very essence of adam conner bleeds flamboyancy and interior decoration along with a limp wrist and last but not least..... you give off the essence of Richard Simmons
Kyle: Dude
Kyle: I went clubbing last night in Seattle
Kyle: ...and Sir-Mix-Alot (a Seattle native) was there, and he hosted an ass shaking contest for the ladies
-Kyle F. on his clubbing experience in Seattle that simply defies words. For the records I know all of the words to "Baby Got Back."
Adam: "scientists have released a report that says that masturabation is actually good for your health and helps to lessen the risk of prostate cancer in men later in life. Leave comments."
Chris: "no, mom, i'm not masturbating! i'm simply ensuring that i have a healthy latter portion of my life. you know, it's just like when you take your crazy vitamins and calcium supplements. my method is just a lot more fun....."
-Chris Watson showing that trademark badass Watson humor. Good one C-W Dawg!
"your humor is fabulous"
-one of my FDD fellows commenting on my obvious humorous prowess. and how right she was.
"Sorry but I can't really help you with your fantasy of an entire country of beautiful girls who find asian people unbearably hot."
-Hana Binder shooting down my hope that Israel would be some sort of paradise where all the women would have uncontrolable asian fetishes. i'm talking like i step off the plane and get jumped. BUT NO. Gee thanks for shattering my dreams Hana. :(
Leah: "Why would she be attracted to you?"
Adam: "My obvious physical prowess."
Leah: "YOUR OBVIOUS PHYSICAL PROWESS?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??! HA HA HA HA HA HA"
Adam: "You can stop laughing now."
Leah: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH HA HA HA"
Adam: "Seriously stop laughing."
-Leah Fulton mocking Adam on his obvious physical prowess. I mean MY OBVIOUSY PHYSICAL PROWESS. Stop laughing.
"Banker: Chris today we're going to teach you how to open swiss bank accounts."
"Chris: This is the happiest moment of my life."
-Adam telling Chris Miller what I envisioned his future best moment to be. *Note earlier chris/kelly/adam accounts of arms smuggling.
-Below is Brian McMath's account of his encounter with strippers and paintball guns.
Before I outline what happened to me on the morning of Friday, July 25th, I must warn you all. What follows is a tale of such incredible stupidity and shortsightedness that some of you may wish to reevaluate your association with me. For those of you I'm related to, sorry, you don't have a choice. With that said, here goes.
One of the local news channels ran a story last week about a brothel in Las Vegas, Nevada that allows patrons to hunt the prostitute of their choice with a paintball gun before engaging in intercourse. The prostitutes get $2500 if they are not hit, and $1000 if they are hit (incentive to run faster). Well, the head of programming for Clear Channel Albuquerque thought it was such an asinine idea that he wanted 94 Rock to do something to make fun of the idea. We would do the reverse: they would find some sucker volunteer (spelt B-R-I-A-N) to be hunted by strippers with paintball guns. I was allowed only a jockstrap, a pair of boxers that had been shredded to resemble a hula skirt, a pair of shoes, and a facemask. The three strippers (who were not even REMOTELY attractive, in case anyone was wondering) were each armed with an industrial strength paintball gun, 200 paintballs, shirts, shorts, and facemasks. My goal would be to capture a flag that had been hidden somewhere on the absurdely small paintball course (an open dirt field with culverts to hide behind) and the stripper that hit me the most would be given $100. We had requested that the guns be powered down, only to learn later that "powered down" is a VERY relative term. No time limit was established, and no proximity rule was given to the hunters. Anyway, the "go" signal was given, I took off running across the course with strippers in hot pursuit. Not even 30 seconds later, I was curled in a ball on the ground, screaming for them to stop and bleeding from nearly 50 open welts from the back of my right ear to my shins. Prior to me walking out onto the field, the crowd that had gathered to watch had been yelling obnoxiously about how they wanted the girls to kick my ass. As I was helped off the field by my dad and my boss, no one said a word. The young punks that ran the paintball field, who had been previously calling me a wuss for wanting the guns turned down, didn't say a word. My dad, who had said a few days before that he wouldn't miss it for the world, looked ready to kill someone. Photos should be up soon on the www.94rock.com photos page, and my friend Jason got a video of the whole thing.
Physically I'm fine now...a bit sore but fine. From now on the Morning show will have to get someone else to participate in their little games, because I won't be saying yes for quite some time. If you feel your IQ has dropped several points just by reading this, I don't blame you. I learned my lesson, as did my employers, so no one here will ever have to go through something like that again. Anyways, that's my work update. Please do not hesistate to tell me how stupid I was to agree to this...maybe that will help me remember to say no next time. Hope everyone is doing well, and I want to hear from you all soon.
So yes postings to Quotes of the Day have slowed, I will admit it. But this is because I'm stuck in crappy Dallas, TX and my social contact with the world has dropped to zero. Nearly all of these conversations were carried out online, as it is my sole form of social interaction remaining. But enjoy these quotes and maybe more will appear someday.
G: Who is your celebrity fantasy?
Adam: Jennifer Garner in the Princess Leia outfit.
Adam: hmm i might have said that a little fast
G: the cinnamon buns? And the white dress?
-Golritz "G" Ahmed and I discussing our celebrity fantasies. I might have put a little more thought into it then I like to admit. But it's hot, you have to admit. By the way Jennifer Gardner is the star of ABC's hit TV show "Alias."
"Right... so what's your celebrity fantasy? Mine is Justin Timberlake post N’Sync or Jeremy Shockey, my friend Adam, has the most interesting one - Jennifer Garner dressed as Princess Leia, what's yours?"
-Golritz "G" Ahmed's away message advertising my dirty little fantasies for all on her buddy list to read.
Adam: woo to the hooo
Erica: oh wow you are a loser
Erica: Adam: woo to the hooo
-Erica Finkle slamming me. You know what the problem is? I be a player, and she be a PLAYER HATER. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Word. G-Unit.
Adam: I like to think of myself as a kind of pioneer
Chris: Pioneer of what exactly? Caucasian Asian slang?
Adam: Boo to the yizzah.
Chris: Oh lord...
-Chris Watson unable to keep up the with my quick witted and ever evolving language skills.
Ed: Go skateboarding and meet friendly people
Ed: You cannot take social ostracism lying down Adam.
Ed: You must have "social ambition." I put that in quotes because I coined the term and love it and use it.
Ed: Be proactive.
Ed: Then again I can't really talk as I never go to Newport because I have no friends there and am too lazy to make them, but you have a different situation.
-Ed trying really hard to cheer me up as I tell him that DALLAS SUCKS. Yeah that's right Texans you read it right, DALLAS SUCKS.
Caitlin: Yet you weigh practically nothing
Caitlin: I hate you
Caitlin: jk
Adam: And yet the masses spend eternity wishing they looked as good as you
Caitlin: That's sweet
Caitlin: The masses?
Adam: You know, the rest of the world
Caitlin: I know, but guys included?
Caitlin: That's kind of odd
Adam: ....JUST TAKE THE DAMN COMPLIMENT
Adam: geeez
-Caitlin Harvey proving her difficulty in taking a damn compliment. Geez I was being a pretty charming guy and BAM. Sigh. Shake head. Whatever.
Adam: I’m going to miss the banquet.
Caitlin: Grrrr
Adam: I already told people
Caitlin: ok
Adam: but im glad my absence elicts a "grr"
Caitlin: Yes, I couldn't bear to be apart from you
-Caitlin Harvey saying, and I quote, "Yes, I couldn't bear to be apart from you." SHE SAID IT! WO-HOO!
"and now an essay on procrastination, it is both my forte and my personal asmodeus. It haunts my every move, with its father laziness, destroys every aspect of my life, when this force is combined with that of demon rum it reaches exponential proportions of slackerdom such that hath not been seen on this earth since the mighty three toes sloth ruled the Paleozoic era."
-Ed, taking the soapbox and saying, well, I don't quite know.
"Making love to unhappy cat."
-Away Message Adam put up for a couple of hours on a whim, but to be clear, NO I WAS NOT ACTUALLY MAKING LOVE TO A CAT. Plus you couldn't prove it if you wanted too. Ha! And it's not like it's a sin...wait damn.
The response's to Adam's away message.
Kelly: sex with animals??
Eric: whoa thats fucked up dood
Andrea: You're making love to a cat? If I were a cat and you were making love to me, I’d be unhappy too.
Hanna: that's kinda gross
Steph: ohhh...sounds dirty. have fun
Andy: well its not going to be any happier if you are making love to it
Will: i dont wanna know
-Thanks to Kelly Shea, Eric Tegtmeier, Andrea Nurko, Hanna, Steph Kluka, Andy Giesler, and Will for their stunningly insightful input into that one.
"ummmm so yeah....this is adam conner's story: adamconner7: my friend got male enhancing cream applied to him by a naked porn star broadcast live on radio while his dad was on the phone. (I figured if I had to hear it, you should too.)"
-Kate's away message. Intrigued about THAT story? Read below.
What follows is a transcript that I recieved from my former neighbor Brian McMath, former intern for the 94 rock FM radio station and current employee. Read on. Trust me you'll enjoy.
Subject: "the best day of my short life EVER"
Yesterday, Thursday, May 22nd, and approximately 8 a.m., history was made at the 94 Rock Morning Show. Here's how it went down:
4:30 a.m.: Go into the 94 Rock studio to check the schedule for the Morning Show to see if it's worth sticking around for.
4:31 a.m.: Realize that adult film star Jessica Drake, star of over 250 films, will be in the studio at about 8 a.m. Decide to stick around for the Morning Show instead of going home and sleeping, for obvious reasons.
7:43 a.m.: Jessica Drake appears at the side entrance to the building. With her is Gene (last name not important), owner of several adult-themed boutiques in Albuquerque. Let them in. Notice Gene is carrying large box of assorted creams, ointments, toys, etc.
8:02 a.m.: While sitting in the 94 Rock studio during a commercial break, hear TJ say, "Erica, Jessica, come here for a minute. Bri, STAY HERE." Feel cold, sinking feeling in pit of stomach.
8:04 a.m.: Three conspirators return to studio as if all is well. Jessica removes her top.
8:05 a.m.: TJ announces on the air that not only will Bri the Former Intern (me) be trying out some of the male-stamina-increasing creams in Gene's box, but that adult film star Jessica will be applying the cream. Nearly hit head on corner of counter en route to the floor.
8:06 a.m: Regain consciousness. Notice that Jessica still has her top off.
8:10 a.m.: Get idea to call my father on the air while this is going on. Give TJ father's work number. Call father and request he stay near his phone for the next few minutes. Father has no idea why, but agrees.
8:14 a.m.: TJ calls my father live on the air and outlines situation to him. Father nearly has laughter-induced anneurism. Ensures me that I have his support all the way.
8:15 a.m.: Given the choice between the spray and the cream, choose cream, for obvious reasons.
8:16 a.m.: Adult film star Jessica Drake rubs male-stamina-increasing cream on my....well...you know....in front of an audience of approximately 8 people, not to mention the thousands listening to their radios at that moment. Rubbing lasts approximately 10 seconds. Stricken with extreme case of stage fright, for obvious reasons. Pull pants back up, face the same color as a newborn baby's spanked butt.
8:17 a.m.: After father nearly has another laughter-induced anneurism, tells me on the air that he's jealous, then must go back to work. Realize that male-stamina-increasing cream is really nothing but very expensive Bengay. Become increasingly uncomfortable due to tingling sensation.
8:18 a.m.: En route to bathroom to wash hands, I am ostracized/made fun of/given thumbs up by everyone I pass on the way. This is to become a common theme for the morning.
8:20 a.m.: After taking pictures with adult film star Jessica Drake, both clothed and non-clothed, see Jessica and Gene out.
8:21 a.m.: Am assured by TJ that my ordeal was probably the funniest stunt pulled on the show in at least ten years.
8:22 a.m. - the time of my death: Not important, as I will never be able to top this. Ever.
Everything I have typed above is completely true and correct, and I have the recording to prove it. This recording will be posted to a website for all to download and enjoy if you so desire. Pictures will soon be available in the Photos section of the www.94rock.com website, probably right next to photos of me dressed as a geisha girl. Anyways, I will alert you all when the recording and photos are available, since I'm sure most of you don't believe me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go outside and scream "I love my job" at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice.
-Brian McMath retelling a story so great that it will go down in history. For shizzle. I join with all here at the Quotes of the Day page in applauding you and your contributions to humanity Brian. I'm so damn proud.
Adam: i'm bored
Alex: get naked
Alex: solves boredom
-Alex P. on the most obvious solution to boredom. I am a supporter.
Kyle: Nope, nope...
Kyle: I won't be done for a long ass tizzle
Adam: dude you only used "izzle" once in that sentance
Kyle: I knizow
Kyle: "izzle" is mizore of an "in-fix"
Adam: "in" fix?
Kyle: Yeah
Kyle: You know
Kyle: There are prefixesizzles
Kyle: Suffixizzles
Kyle: and infixizzles
Kyle: Like, fucking is an infix. Like, "Massafuckingchussets," "absofuckinglutely"
Kyle: I guess izzle could be a suffix too
-Kyle F. explaing how his method of grammar works. Man I am in awe of this. I mean, Man I am in izzaw of thisizzle. I tried, I really did.
Adam: “You have too much free time.”
Chris: “You want to know why? Because you know what they teach us in the business school?”
Kyle: "How to leave work at 1:30 to go play golf?"
Chris: “Well…yeah. But they also teach us…”
Adam: (interrupting) “How to screw the little guy?”
-Kyle F. and I roughing up Chris Miller on the benefits of his business school education.
"These are some funny quotes, Check out my sad attempt to be witty. I am only on there like two times. Because Mr. Conner (Someone obviosly died and made him the all mighty quote nazi) thinks that i am not quotable... Do you know what i say to that? I say down with the quote nazi. I refuse to kneel before his fake pedistal and self appointed (and dare i say abused) power and hope for his approval on my quotes. I'll quote my own damn quotes...damn it! Anyway check the page out... some of it is actually fun and witty.
http://www.quotesoftheday.blogspot.com/"
-Tommie Begay in a completely transparent attempt to make it on the quotes page...and look he did. Huh good lesson. FLATTER ME WITTILY.
"yo know what quote nazi, i am going to get together a group of quote renegades... and we are going to overthrow your ass."
-Tommie Begay plotting my untimely quote demise. I'm shaking.
Eric: "Ass fisting... It's like spelunking for the hand"
-Eric Tegtmeier (one of my best friends for nearly how many years and I still can't remember how to spell his last name) with a quote so depraved, that I don't even know. Just wrong.
An epic night. One worthy of song and praise. The maddest of props to my skating crew, Megan and Alex. Loving the times tonight as we went through ALL of Washington, D.C. Dupont, U-Street, Meridian Park, Adam’s Morgan-ish area, Embassy Row, and Georgetown. And then there was the crash I took. The hard crash. The 20mph crash down the biggest, steepest hill we could find in Georgetown. I challenged it on my longboard…and LOST. I’m not going to lie it whupped me pretty darn good. As I type this the adrenaline is still flowing but I am pretty sure my right index finger is either broken or sprained, I have some road rash on my elbow and shoulder, my left hand is all skinned up, and my jeans have an eight-inch long hole in them from the road burn. This all occurred at like 20mph. Apparently I should be dead or in the hospital, but somebody upstairs must like me (I did go to church on Sunday). So here are the quotes from the most awesome of nights. Chow. (I’m going to the ER in a few hours probably)
Note: Following a dispute with Brian McMath I would like to clarify that “Quotes of the Day” is a copyright property of Adam Conner. And patented. Booyah.
(thanks to Megan for assistance with tonight’s quotes)
Alex: “That was the best sober time I’ve had here, ever!”
Alex: “Classic in its own time!”
-Alex P. summing up why tonight, despite a fall, kicked so much ass
"How much is she worth?"
-Random man on the street peddling flowers
"This is a perfect makeout spot."
-Adam on the perfection of the hidden outdoor terrace of 11 Dupont circle
“Hey guys look, stairs! Whoa! (thump, thump, thump, thump, ow, ow, thump, bang, OW!) I’m ok!”
-Alex pointing out how not to approach stairs on rollerblades
“You might be an immature male GW student if you snicker and laugh when you find out Dupont circle is named after a Rear Admiral.”
-Adam on why I am ever so mature
“If you’ve ever had to pull out a map of D.C. to find out where you went skating that night, you might be a GW student.”
-Adam on getting lost in D.C. Wait I mean “exploring” D.C.
"The Norwegian Embassy’s door is wide open! Lets go in!"
–Adam upon noticing the door the Norwegian Embassy was open.
“No.”
-Megan’s answer to my wanting to go in. Probably a good call in retrospect.
“That was like the beginning to every bad horror movie I’ve ever seen.”
-Adam commenting on the door being open to the Norwegian Embassy
“BRICKS! SHIT! BRICKS!”
-Alex and Megan as they transitioned from pavement to bricks on a nice downhill in Embassy Row
"You go girl!!"
-Construction Men on Wisconsin Avenue to Megan as we flew downhill
Alex: “How long are we looking for recuperation of Mr. Conner and his digit?”
Adam: “Well my digit is going to have to take break from your mom...”
Alex: “He may be battered, he may be broken, but he is always able to whip up a your mom joke.”
Adam: “Damn straight!”
-Alex and Adam on how to deal with his broken finger
Adam: “Do you have any ice?”
Chris: “I have a bag of frozen peas.”
Adam: “Shut the fuck up dude I’m serious. I need ice for my broken finger.”
Chris: “I am serious I have a bag of frozen peas. I iced my broken ankle and foot with it.”
Adam: “Oh. OK.”
-Chris Miller on icing with a bag of peas
Adam: “I broke my finger.”
Brian: “I heard.”
Adam: “Wait you heard? Your mom was gonna keep it a secret!”
Brian: “Yeah, she's a talkative one.”
Brian: “Geez, it only took you, what, 36 seconds to launch into your mama material?
-Adam Conner and Brian McMath on my silvered tongued wit. (His mom loves the silver tounge…)
“Sorry it had to take a slight toll on ya. That was a macho spill though.”
-Alex on my fall. BOOYAH.
